"You were born together and together you shall be forever . . .,"said the 19th century philosopher and poet Khalil Gibran. From the time of Adam and Eve, mankind has shown utter fascination with the subject of love, relationships and marriage. No society exists without it and no society in the past managed without this, the most human emotional and sexual connection. Literature, poetry, songs and films spell out the all-time highs of loving someone and the crushing throes of separation.
But what does it actually mean to be in a loving relationship yourself? Religions may tell you how to uphold the sanctity of marriage. For example, in the Christian religion, marriage is regarded as for life, "till death us do part." Counsellors may help you fix unhealthy relationships, and politicians decide how you benefit financially as a couple, in the hope that lasting relationships bring stability to society.
Reality of Relationships
However, the reality for many couples, young and old, who are embarking on relationships, is that it can be a rocky terrain. Schools do not always teach you how to cultivate healthy relationships and few religions prepare you fully for when things go wrong. From worries about money, household chores, jobs and upbringing of children to care of elderly parents, troubles can erupt along the way like landmines. And at times, the troubles inevitably blow up.
For example, in the UK, the statistics on domestic violence are alarming. There are nearly 13 million incidents of domestic violence a year. “I wish someone had taught me about domestic violence at school, because the first time I knew anything about it was when I was punched in the face,” says one young woman.
By the time a relationship resorts to violence, some of the loving ties between a couple get broken and it is all the more difficult to repair them. This is why thinking about the standards in our private relationships is important in influencing the course of that relationship. What are the things that matter? How can we prevent our love crashing on its course?
My Starting Promise to You
These are promises to read, to talk through and sign up for. It might all fit into a piece of A4 paper but you'll be glad to have taken the time to exchange them.
Loving One Another
I promise to love and cherish you because you are unique and I have found you of all the other people in the world.
Listening
I promise to listen to your views in equal measure so that we both listen to each other. No one needs to dominate the other.
Respect for Each Other
I promise to respect you in our relationship and not to be abusive to you in the language I use or in actions I take. I will not hit you.
Honesty
I promise to be honest with you in everything.
Faithfulness
I promise to be faithful to you and not to get involved with others because of the hurt and damage this brings to our relationship.
Developing Each Other's Interests
We are each different and may want to do different things. I promise to encourage your interests so that we both feel fulfilled in what we do in life.
Respecting Individual Freedoms
I promise not to restrict you in personal, social, cultural and religious freedoms that everyone should enjoy.
Managing a Budget
I promise to be open about money, to manage a budget, contributing fairly.
Resolving Conflict
If things get difficult between us or if there are pressures on us, I promise to discuss it with you, not to bottle it up or to be aggressive.
Taking Responsibility for Sex
I promise to take responsibility for sexual matters, to discuss contraception and to make sure we are both in a sexually healthy relationship. I will not rape you.
Drugs, Alcohol and Dangerous Activities
I will not abuse alcohol or substances or take part in dangerous activities like carrying knives or guns or gang activity.
Sharing Friends and Relations
I promise to build friends and relations with you and to share in the wider network of people who know and love us.
Sharing Household Responsibilities
I will do my fair share to keep our household running smoothly.
If We Must Part
If we have tried our best but just can’t make it together, I promise to be fair in leaving.
Bringing Up Children Together
Children are the main legacy we leave behind. I promise to actively support and encourage their development so that they lead strong and fulfilling lives, caring for themselves, others and the environment.
Planning for the Future
In time we grow old and we may also have elderly dependents. I promise to do my part in caring for those who are vulnerable.
How to Use Relationship Promises
If you are entering marriage, the promises can be introduced as an additional part of your vows and you can exchange them wherever you have your ceremony. Or you can arrange a ceremony with friends and relatives present, sign and date it. For school pupils, in PSHE or Citizenship classes, this can be used as a valuable resource to frame discussions around relationships.
Sources:
- Khalil Gibran in The Prophet, 1923, p.15
- Young woman quoted in Refuge's response document DCSF 21st Century Schools: A World Class Education for Every Child, March 2009, p.2.
Preethi Manuel - Preethi Manuel is a teacher and freelance writer on media, education and disability. She holds an M.A. in Screenwriting from the London ...
